So I doubt anyone is still popping by to see if I've made any more posts but I need to remember myself that this blog isn't for that type of thing.

So why haven't I posted in a while? Especially when this was supposed to be a therapeutic tool allowing me to vent and rage in a controlled manner. Well the simple answer is that I've been too far underneath the threshold for which I can vent my anxieties. Or in layman's terms, I've been too depressed to even want to rage at future me/the world or at anything for that matter.

Tomorrow I'm going to be 24!
This scares me at a fundamental level. Unlike with my anxiety which rears its ugly head pretty much everytime I try something new, this isn't new. The questions about who I am and what I want to be are more pressing than ever. If I were to list my achievements it'd be laughably academic. Laughably because over the last few years I've become significantly more attuned to the non-academic aspects of life to the point where I feel torn between changing my focus from pure academia and turning towards MH and Wellbeing for university students and sticking my doctorate out to prove to the wider world that I am capable of working at one of the highest academic levels.

In fact let's put down the list of personal achievements that came to mind while typing that last paragraph:

  • 2:1 Masters Degree in Physics
  • 2 additional Masters modules - (Financial Analysis and Control Systems, Technology Management)
  • 4 A Levels - Maths B, Accountancy B, Physics D, Chemistry D
  • 3 A*s, 5As, and a few Bs and a C (French).
  • ABRSM Grade 5 with Distinction for Clarinet

The things that I actually consider to be achievements that don't come with a certificate (well several of these do but you'll get the point):

  • Own my flat
  • Shortlisted for Postgraduate Activator of the Year at Warwick Sport 2017
  • I'm alive (to date)
  • Treasurer of Warwick Pride
  • Considered a source, albeit a grumpy one, of advice and emotional support by people in all walks of life including those my senior.
  • Respected by academic and pastoral peers
  • Volunteer at Warwick Sport
  • Play with a Clarinet choir

I don't feel like I've achieved enough but then the more rational part of me will happily admit that I don't give myself enough credit for my achievements either so I probably have achieved enough but am unable to think like that.

Scary stuff made even more scary when I reflect on my life until now, prompted by my birthday.