I had the thought the other day that despite being willing to accept that my gender is more complicated than a simple label would indicate, I am still hiding it from the majority of my interactions.
I'd like to say that if I had a complete women's wardrobe as an alternative to my current wardrobe that I would be happy to make the change in every aspect/area of my life (a.k.a come out). It is important to say "I'd like to..." because I'm not sure I would be capable of such massive change without a significant amount of support.
I am aware that the position held by my family, without malice or judgement, is that "if such actions cause so much anxiety... are you sure that it is the right decision for you to make?". I personally feel that this is a misunderstanding of how much change can lead to anxiety, especially for me, but I am fully willing to explore the possibility that my general dissatisfaction and odd nagging thoughts/fantasies about being Elizabeth come from a different source altogether. It is this attitude which drove me to my GP in the first place in order to seek a referral to the GIC, access to a specialist is something I deemed necessary in order to fully accept my feelings.
Additional complexity arises when I introduce a pragmatic approach to the problem. I am just shy of 2m tall and while I am acutely aware of women taller than me they are noticed/scrutinised everywhere they go. I don't like standing out to the extent that standing out in a crowd can make me feel physically sick. For me to be happy internally, on my own, I need to pass acceptably in the mirror. For me to be confident and comfortable in public? My mind would have to be convinced of my appearance holding up to scrutiny and criticism. I would imagine that these are the concerns of every trans-* individual, or at the very least something similar.
I started asking these questions cause I felt deep rooted dissatisfaction at who I was portraying to the rest of the world. It's not until we start challenging this projection that we realise how complicated the challenge actually is.
I have office clothes that 'Rob' wears to work and at the weekend, I have a skirt, tunic style top and some leggings to choose from as Liz (don't get my started). I feel more comfortable around friends as Liz but it still feels like hiding when Liz is wearing Rob's clothes and I think that's the most pressing battle of the moment.